Do you have impostor syndrome when it comes to dating? I think I do.
I recall reading about Keira Knightley describing her experience with impostor syndrome, where she felt anxious over her being cast in the film (Pirates), believing that it had been a terrible mistake, and that she would be found out for not being up to the role. I think that this phenomenon may be accurately linked to my dating life.
To set the scene, I can be quite picky when it comes to finding a guy attractive. Nonetheless, I find myself feeling like I’m not attractive enough for said guys I like and want to meet, and has led to extremely difficult feelings, and uncomfortable situations like the following.
I recall messaging this guy I thought was really hot on a dating app, and feeling shocked when he responded. We made plans to meet up, and a terrible feeling of anxiety welled up inside me. I met with a friend at a wine bar, and told him that I had a date that night, and when I showed him the photo of the guy, he gasped, which made me get even more anxious. My friend told me to enjoy it, but I couldn’t bring myself to go, I made all sorts of excuses, I said I was too tired, and I messaged the guy that I wasn’t up to it. In reality, I was certain that this guy would take one look at me, and think why in the world had he agreed to meet me, or just make an excuse to leave, and I wasn’t up to facing that.
I was going out with this handsome guy, Matdeusz. Tall, bearded, nice, told me that he really liked my looks, and insisted on always picking the tab. After about a week, he told me (although I had never asked) that he would never agree to have sexual relations with me if I preferred the sexual role of top. His reason? Because I wasn’t tall enough to fit his image of a top…
That’s when my rant started! “If you should be so lucky”, I told him in no uncertain terms that height doesn’t have anything to do with sexual preferences any more than it does with regards to favorite ice-cream flavor. But in reality, I was hurt, because it felt like I wasn’t what he wanted, and this further confirmed to me that I wasn’t attractive enough for him. The guy apologized, but it was too late, plus an apology didn’t change his idea that I wasn’t what he wanted me to look like. “I could’ve been the best fucker you’ve ever had. But now, you’ll never know.” I guess this topic should be a post of its own.
I’m even reminded of the sexy self-defense instructor (He looks like the guy from Outlander, I told my best friend!) who kept making me perform weird, crotch-grabbing moves on him, frustrating me to no ends, and thinking why the hell he was doing this, and whether he was enjoying frustrating me while I had next to zero chance with him. I only realized what had been going on when later I relayed everything to my friend.
Last weekend, I was having the time of my life clubbing at a bar with my friends. I couldn’t help noticing these two really cute guys at one point, because they were both wearing the same top, but I didn’t think much of it, I just carried on dancing and laughing, I was having too much fun to pay any attention. Besides, this was not a gay bar, so what did it matter?
Fast forward to me dancing with my friends, when I felt something grabbing at my crotch gently. I look down, to find out it had been one of those two guys in the grey top, a huge smile on his face. My first instinct was to push him away angrily.
Let me explain: in my experience, whenever I’ve been in a straight-dominated area, if a guy performs any suggestive moves towards me, he’s probably mocking me. I assumed this guy was making fun of me and my friend there for being gay, thus I shoved him. This probably comes from my background of being bullied for many years for being gay.
Having been enjoying myself so immensely, I quickly forgot about him, and carried on dancing to “All-Star.” Half an hour later, the guy walks past me again, grabbing my crotch once more. I shot him an angry look and moved out of his way, until I decided that I would not be mocked anymore, and I followed him and returned the favor — grabbed his own crotch.
His friends turn to look at me, with completely unfazed gazes, like this was something normal for them. I let go of my grip, my angry face was quickly replaced with shock, while the guy turned to me with an amused expression. He turned to face me, smiled mischievously and winked at me, and lifted up his shirt to reveal his toned stomach, as if daring me to touch that next, or asking me if I liked it. I didn’t notice right away, but the guy’s smile had been kind, not wicked. I did not know what to think, and just stared for a second, my face a mix of disgust and shock, and I went back to my friends, shooting incredulous looks at me. I noticed the cutie’s friends giving him just-leave-him-alone looks, and pulling him towards them to dance with them.
Further dancing — and cutie walked by again, but this time, he didn’t pay me any attention, instead he just focused on my female friend, pretending to curtsy to her and kissing her hand, while she smiled in mock enthusiasm and exclaim, as if touched by the romantic gesture. (She probably did not realize it was the same person).
We left the club, and were hanging out outside, with me still feeling uncertain about that guy, and part of me wanted to just ask him what he had wanted. He walked right out and as he walked past me I waved my hand and caught his eye. He briefly turned back and towards me, smiled at me again (a shockingly kind, warm smile), and briefly held my hand, then ran to catch up with his friends.
Hmm… looks like he hadn’t been mocking me after all. But my mind would never have accepted that he had been interested in me. He was way too attractive for me, not to mention he was confident and had 6-pack abs, why would he have wanted me, I believed at the time.
Of course, this says something about the guy in question as well. He was so attractive that he wasn’t aware he needed to talk to somebody if he liked them; in his experience, just rubbing their crotches had been enough to get with guys.
Nonetheless, this is a constant for me. I do succeed from time to time in getting with the ‘hottest’ (to me) guy in the club, but still, I keep expecting that the guy is just talking to me to be polite, or that he’ll find someone else he’s more attracted to. Or if somebody tells me they find me attractive, my mind pulls out all the stops, trying to rationalize the compliment away, or trying to find some flaw or gap in what they’re saying, so it’ll all fall apart. If someone tells me I’m beautiful, I’ll find some way to find another interpretation of it — “oh he probably means my personality!” If dating a guy goes wrong — oh it’s because I’m not attractive enough, of course.
Where does this belief of unattractiveness come from? I’m not sure, but probably my family had something to do with it. As I stated in another article, my family had not hesitated to tell me that I wasn’t white enough to be attractive as some other family members. They also hadn’t hesitated to tell me that the neighbor’s kids were more attractive than me (FAT CHANCE, btw. They would probably also disagree with that assessment if they heard it.) The years of bullying probably hadn’t helped much either.
But this leads to an uncomfortable outcome, and while I don’t know if ‘impostor syndrome’ is an accurate name for what I’m experiencing here, but that seemed to come closest to describe what’s going on with me. I’m afraid the guy I’m dating will move on, or think of me as only temporary, because he can do better, similarly to how Keira felt like she was not good enough for the role and would be replaced. Ultimately, the question is, is there anyone else out there that feels like this?
